Formerly Clark's New Owners...Dangerous Communist Conspirators or Merely Pretentious Bumblers? You Be the Judge!
Did you know…
That “Doctor” Todd Larson not only displays an inordinate fondness for adverbs but that his supposed PhD was actually purchased from a fraudulent diploma mill run by Bernie Madoff?
That Pat Garner ran afoul of the Humane Society when it was learned he sternly addresses his cat as “Sir” and forces it to sit through interminable, officious, error-riddled lectures on the finer points of mouse-catching and yarn-tangling before feeding it?
That Jeff Hatton’s penchant for referring to himself in the third person almost cost him his life when -- struck by a cramp while swimming -- his frantic cries of “Save the Gnome! Save the Gnome!” sent potential rescuers rushing off into the woods in search of a wee person being menaced by a unicorn?
That “Doctor” Todd Larson not only displays an inordinate fondness for adverbs but that his supposed PhD was actually purchased from a fraudulent diploma mill run by Bernie Madoff?
That Pat Garner ran afoul of the Humane Society when it was learned he sternly addresses his cat as “Sir” and forces it to sit through interminable, officious, error-riddled lectures on the finer points of mouse-catching and yarn-tangling before feeding it?
That Jeff Hatton’s penchant for referring to himself in the third person almost cost him his life when -- struck by a cramp while swimming -- his frantic cries of “Save the Gnome! Save the Gnome!” sent potential rescuers rushing off into the woods in search of a wee person being menaced by a unicorn?
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The foregoing is a Cloozoe's International House of Pancakes exclusive.
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©2009 - All Rights Reserved
Daddy,
ReplyDeleteYour blog is very nice. Could you make me a grilled cheese sandwich?
Love,
Nina
I'll have one as well. Could you please put mine on 100% stone ground whole wheat bread with the crust cut off?
ReplyDeleteOh, and very lightly grilled with trans fat free margarine.
Aaron
International House of Pancakes?? Does that have something to do with illegal immigration or Hardy reels from Korea?
ReplyDeleteAaron,
ReplyDeleteSorry, but as the menu clearly states "No Substitutions!"
Mr Golden,
The latter, of course. With blueberry syrup as a lubricant.
Oh, I SO need a little stimulation in my life (can I say that here..?..)
ReplyDeleteAnd in case either of my two friends are watchin'...nope, this isn't the real me...(that sounds so, so cop-out-ish.
Gubby. (Jeremy's the "other" guy!)
Oh boy, this should be fun since I like pancakes. As long as they don't get mushy. I'm not good with mushy...
ReplyDeleteGubby.
Testing one...too (or two...)
ReplyDeleteReally, I'm not a bloggerrr...
testing
ReplyDeletetesting...one too..or two..
ReplyDeleteI'm lost!
I'd just like to know if I'll be able to buy and sell boo rods here.
ReplyDeleteExcellent! Already more nutritious, and sweeter, than Clark's. But I'm confused - I don't see any mention of (Drum Roll followed by hushed silence - and yes, Cloozoe I acknowledge the redundancy of "hushed silence) - Moderators! How ever will we know the bounds of propriety without them? I've even hired one of them to follow me around daily so that I'll know in all aspects of my life how I should behave. Mefears this will soon sink into degenerate depravity with no one but ourselves to enjoy it.
ReplyDeleteZenCane
Oh, now I see! Comments must be approves PRIOR to being posted - I feel much more secure, now.
ReplyDeleteZenCane
Jeremy,
ReplyDeleteI, too, once was lost, but now I'm found. Still blind, though.
Drake,
You can buy and sell crack here, for all I care. As soon as I figure out how to give you Contributing Editors posting access, you'll be able to start your own topics, with the fancy fonts, pictures, and everything.
ZenCane,
Your security is of utmost importance to me, and, as promised in the Cloozoe's International House of Pancakes Grand Opening announcement (the one one with 4-color printing on 160 lb glossy cover stock you no doubt recently received in the mail), you may be assured that the approval process will be arbitrary, capricious, and governed solely by the whim of the editorial staff.
Best regards,
J.A. Cloozoe
Damn but THAT was embarassing. Almost like sharing some inner thoughts.
ReplyDeleteApologies all 'round. I'll behave!
There you have it. Open but a few hours and we have our first apology and promise to behave. Must be a Clark's conditioned response. Jeremy... throw off those shackles, man!
ReplyDeleteFree Roberta!!
ReplyDeleteDo the pancake folks know what you are doing? I'd be surprised to hear that they are going along with this. Where are you getting your syrup anyway? Oh, and can you make Peter Seller's eyes wiggle like they used to. I'd be impressed if you could do that some more.
ReplyDeleteWhat is this business about "your comment will be posted after approval"? That seems like a raft of horse**** to me. Are you going to banish folks like at the other forum? This seems like some pretty heavy duty moderating right from the start.
ReplyDeleteYou know, I'm wondering if this is some sort of a computer virus. I'll bet I've already let the sob in. I think I'm quitting - probably wrecked my computer already.
ReplyDeleteFree at last, Free at last.. thank God almighty I am free at last. Where is the forum bad boy Horseshoe?
ReplyDeleteI came back to see whatn'hell you communists are up to. Where's all the flyrod stuff? So far, this is like "one Flew Over the Nut Nest." When are you getting in to the flyrod stuff? If you are not going to do flyrods, how about bird hunting or fly tying? Do something useful so this place will have some redeeming qualities. I still think you are going to get into some big-ass trouble with the pancake folks. They don't know about this, do they?
ReplyDeleteThat's Mr. Horsesho to you Mr. Taylor
ReplyDelete(customer) "I'd like to have a grilled cheese on wheat with bacon, pickles and mustard to go please."
ReplyDelete(waitress, over her shoulder to cook) "Gimme' a G.A.C. tanned wit' grunts 'n greenies japped Seaboard." "Ennythin' eltz?"
(customer) "Yes, I was wondering what word of the e. flavinella hatch progression might have passed your way. Are the trout showing a preference for the #18 parachute tie with cream dubbing or shall I remain faithful to Schwiebert's suggestions?"
(waitress) "What?? Ya' think you're at Cloozoe's Howsa Pancakes? Get the f... outa' here before I call da' cops!"
Still hoping to become your Agente du Theatre, Chief Inspector.
I am truly perplexed and repulsed at the same time. Grown men speaking their minds about inconsequential, white boys club collectibles, without the pomp and circumstance of quoting the vast knowledge learned from each other through the magic of the Internet (thanks Al!) now considered Gospel to the cornucopia of neophyte hope to find a $400 Payne 98 while paying far to much for what now has been chosen as the only "true collectable" ..........The Orvis Pace Changer!
ReplyDeleteIs it really true that the underlying demon of the greater bamboo community (elsewhere?) are over protected, anal compulsive, chronic masturbators with a need to control because "daddy didn't love me right".
Be ye men of valor good squires, for death awaits you with nasty...............big.............pointy.......teeth!
signed
Da Scwheib
(deceased)
BOO!
Ah, Schweib... I'm not sure about the "over protected, anal compulsive" part but they are surely chronic masturbators.
ReplyDeleteHow'd this crap get on my computer? And, gawd! are the restrooms filthy!
ReplyDeleteWally (or his power of attorney)
Dear Anonymous,
ReplyDeleteIt is beyond the power of the editorial staff to free anyone.
Dear Epirie,
Certainly the pancake people know about this. Do we strike you as the kind of people who would do or say anything without proper authorization? And we've got the entire technical staff of Cloozoe's IHOP working on getting the Chief Inspectors eyes to wiggle once more.
The purpose of having all comments submitted to the editorial staff prior to publication was not to insure that nothing offensive was said, but rather to insure that everything that was posted was either funny, interesting, disturbing, novel, or in some other way entertaining. Unfortunately I went fishing today and left Nina in charge and she approved everything. Upon my return I reviewed the first day's comments and I see that that goal is out the window already.
And be not concerned about viruses - we've simply inserted a mild little program into your computer that will not interfere with its funtionality at all, but that will give us access to your credit cards, checking account, etc. You won't even notice it's there, unless you try to buy something.
Lastly, what do you mean, "where's the flyrod stuff?"? What am I, your mother? You want flyrod stuff, write some flyrod stuff for pity sake. Open for business less than one lousy day and already it's bitch, bitch, bitch. You're worse than my damn kids. What's next, "When are we going to be there?"
Dear Bill T,
You'll be pleased to know that Horsesho, posting as DeFazio the Farrier, has been named a contributing editor and will be hosting a regular feature entitled, Defazio the Farrier's Advice to the Lovelorn and Grooming Tips. Look for the debut column on Wednesday.
Dear Ken,
Sorry to hear about your unfortunate experience at the diner. Was that in Cornwall?
Dear Da Scwheib,
You sure do go on for a dead guy. But rest assured, even the deceased...even the incomprehensible deceased...even the incomprehensible deceased who are chronic masturbators, have a home here at Cloozoe's International House of Pancakes.
Best regards to all,
J. A. Cloozoe
Well,well,well! Here's another syck VWB joining the fray.Your announcement on the little forum that time forgot disappeared faster than a prophylactic at a hookers convention.I didn't know what was gouing on til Drake Bob tipped me off.By the way what's the best 8' 5wt?As they say on that stupid penis pill commercial"This could be fun." The Mayfly Mon
ReplyDeleteЯ нет карточки нося bolshevik. Так я нет коммуниста и публично отказываю все заявления сделанные ihop Cloosoe.
ReplyDeleteваш камрад
Maybe I have it figured out now.First post came up with my name and email address.What the hell's up with that?
ReplyDeleteDa Schweib et al: You sir, have hit the nail on the head. In my upcoming book "Changing the Pace - How the Orvis Pace Changer revolutionized Fly Fishing and its future as a highly collectible and appreciating asset", I will share with the world my insight into the unsung geniuses behind my large personal collection of Orvis Pace Changers. I would suggest to all of you that the value of these will skyrocket in the near future. Just a little internet insider tip.
ReplyDeleteYrs,
Pimp Pump Primer Jr.
What would a guy have to do to get tossed out of this place?
ReplyDeleteAaron
Barbecued Pancakes! blecch :x
ReplyDeleteI still don't know what I did to get chucked off Clark's? I think Harry, PCG and Bulldog were out to get me. Anyway, where's the Classified section of this board?
ReplyDeleteDeFazio The farrier
Dear anonymous bolshevik:
ReplyDeleteТоварищ,
Если Вы когда-либо хотите пойти муха, ловящая рыбу снова, то Вы назовете имена.
С уважением,
J.A. Cloozoe
Dear Aaron,
As near as I can tell, after superficially exploring the capabilities of this cheesy...or rather, free...make that cost-effective hosting service, I am unable to toss out anybody. I also can't edit anyone's commments; only publish them as is or decline to publish them altogether. Since I don't have the heart to stifle the, um, creative outpouring of Cloozoe's IHOP readers, I've thus far posted all comments, but you should all realize that I cannot save you from yourselves by correcting your grammar, spelling, or making you seem clever. Nor can I remove profanity, with the result that whenever grand-mère Cloozoe visits C's IHOP, I'm subjected to a lecture on the type of people I associate with. She seems particularly put out with greendrake/wilmerprice/Mayfly Mon, apparently due to his references to prophylactics, hookers and penis pills. I've tried to stick up for him, but grand-mère is a stubborn old woman and won't hear it.
Regards,
J.A. Cloozoe
Dear DeFazio,
ReplyDeleteI recommend you stop looking back. Who knows why you got tossed off Formerly Clark's? Who cares? After getting tossed for being your friend and trying to lighten up your posts, then reinstated, I was tossed again yesterday simply for posting an announcement of the grand opening of Cloozoe's IHOP, even though the very first item on the menu featured a (I thought very generous) profile of the pompous dickhe...I mean, new management group. You would have thought they'd appreciate the exposure.
Anyway, buck up, DeFazio. Didn't I build this beautiful website and assemble some top-shelf talent just so you'd have somewhere to play? Haven't I named you a contributing editor? How about a little gratitude?
By the way, your first Dear DeFazio column is due tonight; how's it coming?
Regards,
J.A. Cloozoe
What's an adverb?
ReplyDeletePuzzled in Rainside Oregon.
JHektor
Adverb ain't that what thar them pills for hango.. er um headaches is
ReplyDeleteDear Mr. Cloozoe,
ReplyDeleteYou got chucked for posting an ad for Cloozoe's International House of Pancakes? I can't believe they banned you for that! Pretty funny though, I guess they have a dislike for Bu' Wheat Pancakes.
Grooming tip #1:
Refrain from showering until Saturday night. This way you can save water and the energy required to heat said water. Use the bathroom sink to wash all crotches daily otherwise itching will occur.
DEFAZIO
I wish to be the final authority on bamboo rods! I demand to be appointed and answerer of all things cane! I will only give honest opinions on values based on scientific research and intense market analysis via 45 auction houses, the vast plethora of cronies I know and of course, whether or not I'd like to buy it (for my own personal collection of course), and NEVER resell your product for profit!
ReplyDeleteUnless of course I A) happen to have another just like it, or B) my collection is getting too big, so I have to part with a few of my most valued rods, and C) because my wife has told me I have too many!
I will be the most accurate appraiser you've ever met!
I am the cane God!
I am Iron Man!
I shot Kennedy!
signed
Da Scwheib
(deceased)
BOO!
Has anybody really bought a Gary Lacey rod?
Defazio,
ReplyDeleteYou were kicked off for being a right wing Maxaholic, horse whisperer.
TAX AND SPEND!
signed
Da Scwheib
(deceased)
BOO!
Did I mention I shot Kennedy?
I must say, I simply love the wallpaper.
ReplyDeleteTest, test.
ReplyDeleteTrying to figger this blogging thingy out??
ReplyDeleteTrying to post.........damn!
ReplyDeleteWho has to approve my comment?
ReplyDeleteHave I been transported to Clark's?
Who are the moderators here?
Is BULLDOG here?
God, I hope so!!!
What?
ReplyDeleteDear BobbyG
ReplyDeleteIt's kind of an intiation - you, Jeremy, rgoins, a few others, post a comment; don't see it; post another; post "test". Then the comments sit there waiting for editorial approval. The initial criteria were to have been based on the entertainment value of the comments, but the editors quickly realized -- given the, um, quality of the clientele here at Cloozoe's IHOP -- that that would mean virtually none of the comments would be posted and they -- the editors -- would wind up being almost solely responsible for supplying content. This was immediately recognized as undesirable if not completely untenable given how remarkably lazy the editors are. So now there are no criteria. Everything goes up, including "test, test".
################################################
Have you virtually worthless pancake eaters realized that each article - there are three now; "Greetings", "Contributing Editors", and "Parky has Worms" - has its own comment button at the end for discussion of the specific article? Do none of you really have any comment on the editorial team and their areas of specialization? Suggestions for future articles? Nothing to say about Parkhurst or other worm-raising flyfishing author/lawyers? Or do you just figure we can all chat here under the first "Greetings" article forever?
OK any which way with the editors; just curious.
Regards,
J. A. Cloozoe
A QUESTION FOR THE MANAGEMENT...
ReplyDeleteI understand we are encouraged to invite friends to join in the deliberations here. My question is: do they have to be ex-cons?
Wally,
ReplyDeleteDesirable, of course, but not required.
Does anyone here fish only a #18 gold-ribbed hare's ear on only a parabolic 14 only at Yate's Ponds in Spearfish Canyon of the Black Hill only during late September or early October? I'm not looking for company or for a pen pal. Just need to know how to adjust my plans to avoid being redundant.
ReplyDeleteDo I have to get a lobotomy to post here? I couldn't afford the one offered at Clark's. Maybe you have a blue light special on them??
ReplyDeletegt
ReplyDeleteNo lobotomy required - and you can say whatever you like. If you have an open mind let it visit here. Cloozoe has always had an open mind. Ask DeFazio.
Yeah, I'd like a grilled cheese sandwich too.
ReplyDeleteThis place sucks. It's been up for how long? I've yet to see someone step forward as an "expert" because they read a book or wrote a shitty one. Thankfully Marty is here to set us straight.
We have people who've read shitty books. Does that count?
ReplyDelete