Dear DeFazio,
With spring almost upon us, I’ll soon be wearing more spaghetti straps, low-backed tops and strapless gowns. The problem is, my back and shoulders are quite hairy and I find the extensive waxing required too painful. Any suggestions?
Sincerely,
Hairy in Harrisburg
Dear Hairy,
Vigorous body hair growth is a sign of a healthy supply of testosterone and nothing to be ashamed of, regardless of your gender. In fact, many members of the opposite sex are actually quite attracted to the hirsute, natural look. I think I look terrific in a strapless ball gown, and I got more hair than an orangutan. When you got it, flaunt it!
Regards,
DeFazio
Dear DeFazio,
Maybe you could help settle a little disagreement between my wife and myself. We’ve been happily married for thirteen years, and I’ve always been scrupulous about doing my share of the housework, driving the children to soccer games, attending parent teacher conferences, etc. Just recently, one of the neighbors invited me to join his regular Thursday evening poker game. It’s a friendly game for very low stakes and it sounds like fun, but my wife likes to relax in front of the TV at night and expects me to keep the kids occupied so that they don’t disturb her. She says I can’t go. I’ve never done anything like this before, but I’m so upset I may actually work up the nerve to ask her to reconsider. Any thoughts?
Nervously,
Wannabe Poker Player
Dear Wannabe,
Yeah, I got a thought: I think you should unbutton your pants, look down and see if you still got a pair. What the hell’s wrong with you?! What your wife needs (and secretly wants) is a good, swift kick in the slats. Tell her you will be going to the poker game, and - oh yeah – you’re probably going to be hungry when you get home, so she should wait up and make you a little snack. You might be horny, too, so tell her after she’s done doing the snack dishes, you’ll expect her to set aside another five minutes to attend to her wifely duties. Then she can watch TV or whatever else she wants to do, as long as she keeps her trap shut and doesn’t bother you.
Got that, pussy?
Disgustedly,
DeFazio
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Got a problem with love, life, or grooming? Dear DeFazio is here to help! Send your questions along with $5.00 in cash to:
Dear DeFazio
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Dear DeFazio
c/o Cloozoe’s International House of Pancakes
237 Easy Street
Truth or Consequences, NM 87901
If your question is chosen for publication, you will be billed an additional $5.00
Dear DeFazio,
ReplyDeleteOn warm days my Scrotum really itches , what shoud I do?
Itchy in Indiana
Dear Itchy,
ReplyDeleteScratch it!
It might not hurt to wash it more than once a Month.
DeFazio
Dear DeFazio,
ReplyDeleteWhen I make love to my wife I often have the urge to fart. Is this acceptable during lovemaking? I also have that problem while in waders on the stream. Any recommendations to clear the air?
Flatulent fool
I bet the Poetry Editor, Black Hills Bill, a Hardy Marvel against his beat up, quasi-"restored" HI Delta Queen, that more people would read and comment on the Dear DeFazio column than on one he has planned called, The Uses of Potatoes as Signifiers in the Early Work of John Keats; a Hermeneutic Analysis.
ReplyDeleteI suppose it's vaguely possible that there resides among the patrons of this establishment a small but passionate coterie of fanciers of dull, dense parsing of dead Romantic poets; and it's true that Bill hasn't finished his piece and that it might yet prove more engaging than one would be lead to expect from the proposed title; but based on the first three comments to DeFazio's maiden entry, it is already obvious I have not overestimated the clientele's taste for low humor.
You see, Tina? If you had my unerring ability to gauge an audience, you might still be at the New Yorker
De Faz: You Tutu'd coquette,
ReplyDeleteevery spaghetti straped angler knows, to tame furry shoulders:
Redditch MUCILIN !
And she'll love it too.
Is the photo above the one which began all the brouhaha at Formerly Clark's? Amazing. And I note that ALL your posts have been removed, so I can no longer share with friends your masterful yet incomplete account of your supposed visit to the UP!
ReplyDeleteZenCane
PS - Is there no way to post as other than anonymous ithout creating a "Google Profile"?
Dear Zen Cane,
ReplyDeleteThat photograph - one of DeFazio's favorites - had been posted more than once on Formerly Clark's. It was posted during the most recent banishement-debanishment-rebanishemnt fest, but I don't think it was the proximate cause of the outrage.
They've endeavored to remove all traces of my existence, eh? I'm honored to play Trotsky to the current gang of Stalinists. I believe I have most of the UP saga, and will post it here when I get a chance.
I believe setting up a "Google Profile" involves nothing more than putting in your email address, and selecting a user name and password. If you'd prefer not to do so, though, just post as "anonymous" and put your name at the end of your comment as you've done. I'm looking into setting up Cloozoe's IHOP as a proper forum. Doesn't appear to be either overly difficult or expensive.
Back a while, in Rehab, sharing a moat-side cabin with Rush, and fighting my own personal demon,
ReplyDeletelaxative addiction, I discovered this relaxing obsession.
Each morning before our baptismal dunk, I'd sneak into his Vuitton kit and sprinkle bubble bath
into my 'ol leakey waders.
Once that frigid water hit my red zone, boom! Ignition. And I'm soon surrounded by a psychedelic hatch of buoyant bubbles.
Like having the lovely Lemmon Sisters along for the flush.
I am haunted by bubbles.
Erased, eh? What is this? The Spanish Inquisition? (enter: the Comfy Chair)
ReplyDeleteRebanished??
ReplyDeleteYou had a second chance, but evidently you just couldn't resist taunting them a second time.
Silly man, you tilted against the power of the omnipotent moderators, and now are banished, exiled, forever gone from the formerly Clark's forum, and we must turn here for your wit, humor and commentary.
Will you never learn?
I didn't taunt them on "their" board. I simply published a link to CIHOP, and taunted them here. If I cared, I'd ask to see the by-laws regarding off-site moderator taunting. Can one be banished for verbal moderator taunting in conversation with a friend? Negative thoughts? As DeFazio said when discussing his opposition to individuals being prohibited from buying hundreds of automatic weapons, bazookas and hand grenades, "It's a slippery slope".
ReplyDelete