You Might Be A Republican If...

You think "proletariat" is a type of cheese.

You've ever referred to someone as "my (insert racial or ethnic minority here) friend"

You've ever tried to prove Jesus was a capitalist and opposed to welfare.

You think Huey Newton is a cookie.

You've ever uttered the phrase, "Why don't we just bomb the sons of bitches."

You fax the FBI a list of "Commies in my Neighborhood."

You argue that you need 300 handguns, in case a bear ever attacks your home.

You've ever said "Clean air? Looks clean to me."

You own a vehicle with an "Ollie North: American Hero" sticker.

You ever told a child that Oscar the Grouch "lives in a trash can because he is lazy and doesn't want to contribute to society."

You understand that getting people to vote on abortion issues will keep you in office and let you pass tax cuts for the upper class.

You think that the best way to protect people from illegal drugs is to put them in prison.

You think "compassionate conservatism" is when you feel sorry for the homeless guy sleeping in the gutter as you step over him on your way to a $1000 a plate fundraiser for Tom Delay.

You are opposed to increasing the minimum wage and in favor of repealing taxes on inherited wealth.

You are opposed to Affirmative Action in college admissions and attended a private university as a "legacy."

You really believe that cutting taxes increases government revenues.

You dodged the draft during Viet Nam (with Daddy's help) and now you question the courage and patriotism of men who came back with medals (and scars) and understand wars are bad.

You think that a president lying about getting a blowjob is far more serious than a president lying about the reasons for starting a war.

You don't know that if it weren't for the French, we'd have lost the American Revolution.

You're against abortion but don't give a damn about those babies once they're born.

You think that a whiskey-guzzling, coke-sniffing, draft-dodging loser is the cream of the American crop and the best this country could offer up for President.

You think the USA is the only 'free' country in the world.

You spout talking points that have been proven false, hoping they'll stick anyway.

You firmly believe that the poor folks that got stuck in New Orleans are to blame for their own plight for not having the good sense to have high paying jobs that would have allowed them to purchase SUVs to get out of town and afford hotels in safe areas. (Or having the even better sense to be born into money.)

You're a "good Christian" but you hate more people than you love.

You think fighting in Iraq is like a computer game, and that troops should have to complete level one to get their body armor.

You think Vietnam vets who supported Kerry should be booed on the 4th of July.

You think Tom Delay has class

You think Universal Health Care is bad but Corporate Welfare is
good

You believe less ozone is better for a quicker tan.

You think acid rain helps cleans your driveway.

Your Glock 9mm gets more fondling than your wife.

You think no child left behind is a new bus service to the KKK rally.

You are against gay marriage but have no problem marrying your cousin.

You think mercury in your fish adds flavor.

You thought an AWOL national guardsman alfred e. neuman look-a-like was more patriotic and qualified to be President in 2004 than a former NATO commander four star general rhodes scholar like Wesley Clark

You think George W. Bush is a regular guy even though he was born rich in Connecticut to an old money, politically powerful WASP family just because he moved to Texas and is as stupid as you are.

You have no problem with our bombs finding Afghanistan or Iraq even though most of our citizens can't find either country on the map.

When someone asks you your name you've got to pull your head out of your ass and read it off your belt.

Mitt Romney, Liberal Icon

I need to apologize to Mitt Romney.

Here I was thinking of him as a failed politician with no discernible core values, who had once driven to Canada with the family dog strapped to the roof of the car.

But it’s now becoming clear that he’s the man we have to thank for our new national health care law.

“I mean, a lot of commentators have said this is sort of similar to the bill that Mitt Romney, the Republican governor and now presidential candidate, passed in Massachusetts,” President Obama told Matt Lauer recently on the “Today” show.

Good work leading the way, Mitt!

We did not actually hear a whole lot about how Obama’s health care bill was similar to Romney’s during its long, torturous struggle through Congress. Particularly not during the parts that involved placating the Democratic left wing. Do you think Obama mentioned it during his Air Force One courtship of Dennis Kucinich? Possibly not.

But it really does seem as though the two plans are a whole lot alike, and Romney deserves credit for working with the Massachusetts Democrats to get such an ambitious, sweeping reform enacted. However, since most of his party is currently crouched in the basement, waiting for the health care apocalypse to split the earth into smithereens, they’re probably not going to be all that impressed.

The Republicans are dying for a disaster, and to be honest, even people who like the new law a lot have been worried that something really strange might be hidden in 2,000 pages of verbiage. (Did you know somebody stuck financing for abstinence education in there?)

This week there was an alarming report that AT&T was going to have to reduce its long-term profit estimates by about $1 billion because of the new law — or, as the House minority leader, John Boehner, put it, the newly enacted “job-killing tax increases.” The AT&T charge was for accounting purposes, which is not as much real money as currency-based theology. But still, it did sound bad.

It turned out that the $1 billion goes back to the famous 2003 Medicare prescription drug entitlement passed by a Republican-controlled Congress and paid for through their innovative pretend-it’s-not-there financing system.

In order to keep businesses from ending their drug coverage and dumping their retirees on the federal system, Congress provided a 28 percent reimbursement for the benefits. And, the companies got to deduct the entire cost of the drug plans from their taxes. Including the government subsidy.

Yes! The job-killing tax increase in the new law involves no longer allowing big corporations to take a tax deduction for spending money we gave them. Somehow, this doesn’t seem to have the makings of a Tea Party rally.

But there’s always the insurance mandate. When it comes to roiling right-wing hysteria, nothing whips up a crowd like the law’s requirement that everybody get health coverage.

Gov. C.L. “Butch” Otter of Idaho, who is definitely the winner of the Most Fun Name for a Governor Award, kicked off the rebellion this week by signing a law requiring the state to sue the federal government over this provision. “If it is the proper role for government to mandate that citizens buy certain products, then I’m going to get potatoes in line for them just as quick as I can,” Otter announced.

Idaho, you should not let your elected officials push the potato thing so hard. The state has a lot more to talk about — lovely scenery, great people, the world’s largest factory for barrel cheese, the smallest number of doctors per capita in the country. And what about your state fruit, the huckleberry?

About that insurance requirement. Americans pay an estimated $42.7 billion a year in taxes and higher health care premiums because of the cost of medical treatment for the uninsured. So you would think that conservatives in particular would believe that everybody ought to be held responsible for having their own coverage. Unless they’re starting a new cutting-edge Let Them Die in a Ditch Movement.

“No more free-riders,” Romney said frequently, back when he was a little more vocal about defending the Massachusetts plan. Lately, he’s been vaguer on the subject, and when it comes to the new federal law, he’s jumped on the repeal bandwagon. When someone from the liberal blog ThinkProgress asked Romney whether he thought the new federal insurance mandate — so very much like the Massachusetts one — was constitutional, he muttered something about it being “a big topic” and ducked into an elevator.

It’s possible that he hadn’t looked so uncomfortable since the time he was chased by a reporter who wanted to know if he thought Seamus the Irish setter had enjoyed driving to Canada on top of the family car.

~Gail Collins