You Might Be A Republican If...

You think "proletariat" is a type of cheese.

You've ever referred to someone as "my (insert racial or ethnic minority here) friend"

You've ever tried to prove Jesus was a capitalist and opposed to welfare.

You think Huey Newton is a cookie.

You've ever uttered the phrase, "Why don't we just bomb the sons of bitches."

You fax the FBI a list of "Commies in my Neighborhood."

You argue that you need 300 handguns, in case a bear ever attacks your home.

You've ever said "Clean air? Looks clean to me."

You own a vehicle with an "Ollie North: American Hero" sticker.

You ever told a child that Oscar the Grouch "lives in a trash can because he is lazy and doesn't want to contribute to society."

You understand that getting people to vote on abortion issues will keep you in office and let you pass tax cuts for the upper class.

You think that the best way to protect people from illegal drugs is to put them in prison.

You think "compassionate conservatism" is when you feel sorry for the homeless guy sleeping in the gutter as you step over him on your way to a $1000 a plate fundraiser for Tom Delay.

You are opposed to increasing the minimum wage and in favor of repealing taxes on inherited wealth.

You are opposed to Affirmative Action in college admissions and attended a private university as a "legacy."

You really believe that cutting taxes increases government revenues.

You dodged the draft during Viet Nam (with Daddy's help) and now you question the courage and patriotism of men who came back with medals (and scars) and understand wars are bad.

You think that a president lying about getting a blowjob is far more serious than a president lying about the reasons for starting a war.

You don't know that if it weren't for the French, we'd have lost the American Revolution.

You're against abortion but don't give a damn about those babies once they're born.

You think that a whiskey-guzzling, coke-sniffing, draft-dodging loser is the cream of the American crop and the best this country could offer up for President.

You think the USA is the only 'free' country in the world.

You spout talking points that have been proven false, hoping they'll stick anyway.

You firmly believe that the poor folks that got stuck in New Orleans are to blame for their own plight for not having the good sense to have high paying jobs that would have allowed them to purchase SUVs to get out of town and afford hotels in safe areas. (Or having the even better sense to be born into money.)

You're a "good Christian" but you hate more people than you love.

You think fighting in Iraq is like a computer game, and that troops should have to complete level one to get their body armor.

You think Vietnam vets who supported Kerry should be booed on the 4th of July.

You think Tom Delay has class

You think Universal Health Care is bad but Corporate Welfare is
good

You believe less ozone is better for a quicker tan.

You think acid rain helps cleans your driveway.

Your Glock 9mm gets more fondling than your wife.

You think no child left behind is a new bus service to the KKK rally.

You are against gay marriage but have no problem marrying your cousin.

You think mercury in your fish adds flavor.

You thought an AWOL national guardsman alfred e. neuman look-a-like was more patriotic and qualified to be President in 2004 than a former NATO commander four star general rhodes scholar like Wesley Clark

You think George W. Bush is a regular guy even though he was born rich in Connecticut to an old money, politically powerful WASP family just because he moved to Texas and is as stupid as you are.

You have no problem with our bombs finding Afghanistan or Iraq even though most of our citizens can't find either country on the map.

When someone asks you your name you've got to pull your head out of your ass and read it off your belt.